The third love language: exchanging gifts

I was in Chicago when I was studying anthropology, and thanks to my favorite study of human races, I visited many wonderful peoples all over the world. I visited Central America and studied modern cultures. "Mayans" and "Aztecs", and crossed the Pacific Ocean, and studied the clans of the "Milanija" and "Balonega" tribes. I also studied the "Eskimo" peoples in the Arctic, and the indigenous people of Japan. I researched the methods related to love and marriage, and found that in all cultures What I studied was that exchanging gifts was part of the process of love and marriage. Anthropologists are fond of cultural patterns that seem to permeate cultures, and so am I. Could exchanging gifts be a way of expressing love that transcends cultural barriers? Is the feeling of love always linked to the concept of giving? These are academic and to some extent philosophical questions, but if the answer is yes, they have great practical implications for husbands and wives in North America. While studying anthropology, I went on a study expedition to the island of Dominica, the purpose of which was to study the culture of the American Indians ( (Caribbeans), and during the trip I met “Farid.” He was not one of the Caribbeans, but rather he was a black young man of twenty-eight years old. He had lost one of his hands in a dynamite accident. Since then, he had not been able to continue his work in fishing, and he had a lot of free time. I welcomed his company, and we spent long hours together talking about his culture, fishing, and talking about his culture. On my first visit to Farid’s house, he said to me: “Would you like some juice, Mr. Gary?” I answered him cheerfully, so he turned to his little brother and said to him: “Go and get Mr. Gary some juice.” His brother turned around and walked through a dirt path. He climbed one of the coconut trees and returned with a green (unripe) coconut. “Farid” ordered him. He said, “Open it.” With three strong, quick blows with the machete, his brother broke the coconut, creating a triangular hole at the top. Farid gave me the coconut and said, “Drink your juice.” The fruit was not yet ripe, but I drank it all. Because I know it is a gift to express love. I was his friend, and to friends you give gifts, juices. At the end of the weeks we spent together and while I was preparing to leave that small island, Fred gave me a final proof of his love, which was a curved stick that was fourteen long. inches, and he had brought it from the ocean, and its texture was like silk as a result of its contact with the rocks. “Fred” said: “The stick remained on the shores of the island of Dominica for a long time, and he wanted me to take it as a souvenir of this beautiful island, and even today, when I look at that stick, I can I hear the sound of the Caribbean waves, but it's not so much a souvenir of the Caribbean as it is a souvenir of love. A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he's thinking of me," or say, "She remembers me." When you give someone a gift, you must... You think about him; the gift itself is a symbol of that thinking, and it does not matter that it is expensive, but rather what is important is that you are thinking about this person, and what is important is not mental thinking, but rather the thinking that is expressed by owning the gift, then giving it as an expression of love. Mothers remember The day when children bring them a rose from the flower yard as a gift, and they feel loved, even if it was not the children who picked that rose; Many years ago, children used to give gifts to their mothers and fathers, and perhaps this is another sign that giving gifts is an important thing for love. Gifts are visual symbols of love; Most marriage ceremonies include giving and taking a ring, and the person performing this ceremony says: “These two rings are a formal and external expression of the internal and spiritual bond that unites your hearts with endless love.” This is not rhetorical talk with no meaning, but it expresses an important truth. Which is that symbols have value from an emotional standpoint, and this may be more evident when the dissolution of a marriage approaches, when the husband or wife stops wearing the wedding ring, and this is a visual sign that there is a serious problem surrounding the marriage. One of the husbands said: “When she threw She put the wedding ring in my face and left the house. She was angry and closed the door violently behind her. I knew that our marriage was going through a serious problem. I did not hold her ring until two days later, and when I did that, I started crying like crazy. “The ring was a symbol of what should be, but when it is in... On her hand and not on her finger, this is a visual reminder that the marriage is falling apart; The ring lying on the floor evoked the husband's deep feelings. Visual symbols of love are more important to some people than others; This is why individuals treat the wedding ring differently. Some people never take the ring off their hands after marriage, and others do not even wear a wedding band. This is another indication that people speak different love languages. If the language of exchanging gifts is my primary language of love, then I will wear it. With pride, I will be deeply moved by any other gifts you give me over the years. I will consider them an expression of love. Without gifts as symbols of love, I may doubt your love. Gifts come in all sizes, colors, and shapes. Some are expensive and others are free. And for the person you are... His basic language is gifts. The price of the gift does not matter much, unless it is not proportionate to what she can afford to pay. If there is a millionaire who regularly gives his wife gifts whose value does not exceed a dollar, his wife may wonder whether this is an expression of love or not. No, but if the family’s income is limited, a gift worth one dollar can express love as much as a gift worth a million dollars. We can buy gifts, discover them, or make them; The husband who stops on the side of the road and picks fresh flowers for his wife has found a way to express his love. This is of course if his wife is not averse to fresh flowers. As for whoever can save money, he can buy a beautiful card whose price is no less than five dollars. Take a piece of paper from the wastebasket in your office, fold it in half, take scissors and cut it into the shape of a heart, write “I love you” on it, then sign your name underneath. Gifts do not have to be expensive. But what about the person who says: “I I am not good at giving gifts. I did not receive many gifts in my childhood, and I did not learn how to choose gifts. This is not in my nature. “I say to this person, ‘Congratulations to you. I have discovered the first thing that makes you a great lover, which is that you and your partner in life speak two different languages. Love, now; Since you have made this discovery, start learning a second love language. If your wife's love language is receiving gifts, then you can be a wonderful giver and recipient of gifts. In fact, this language is one of the easiest love languages to learn. Where do you start? Write a list of gifts that your life partner has expressed excitement about receiving over the years. It could be the person who gave him this gift, a family member, or a friend. This list will give you an idea of the types of gifts your life partner enjoys receiving, and if you do not know... On how to choose the type of gift or you have little knowledge, enlist the help of a family member who knows your life partner, and at the same time, choose gifts that you feel comfortable buying, making, or discovering, and give them to your life partner, and do not wait for an occasion if taking gifts is the language of love For your partner in life, anything you give him will be considered an expression of love (and if she criticized all your gifts in the past, and did not like almost anything you gave her, then her basic love language is definitely not taking gifts). Especially gifts and money if If you want to become a successful gift giver, you must change your concept of money. Each of us has our own perception of the purpose of money, and we have different feelings regarding spending money. Some of us have spending tendencies and feel satisfied when we spend money, while others have a saving perception. And investing, and feels good about himself when he saves money or invests it in a good way. If you are the type of person who spends, you will not have much difficulty in buying gifts for the other party, but if you are someone who likes to save, then you will face emotional resistance to the idea of spending money to express love, You do not buy anything for yourself, so why should you buy something for your partner in life? But people with this approach find it difficult to understand that they are actually buying things for themselves. When you save or invest, you are buying your sense of self and your emotional security, and in doing so you are only ensuring that your needs are met. Emotionality through the way you dispose of money, and what you are not keen on is meeting the emotional needs of your partner in life. If you discover that the basic love language of your partner in life is, receiving gifts, then you will know that the best way to invest your money is to buy him a gift. In this way, you invest in your relationship and fill the emotional love tank of the other party. When his love tank is full, he will express his love to you in a way that you understand. When the emotional needs of both parties are met, marital life will take on another dimension. Do not worry about your savings, you will continue to save. Always, but investing in the love of your life partner means investing in stocks with guaranteed profits.

The Gift of Self

Sometimes, intangible gifts are more expressive than the gifts that a person holds in his hand, and these gifts can be called gifts of self or gifts of presence. When you are by your wife’s side when she needs you, this expresses your love to her in a way Akbar, if her primary love language is taking gifts, Jean once told me, “My husband, Don, loves baseball more than he loves me.” I asked, “Why do you say that?” She said: “The day our child was born, my husband was playing baseball, and I was in the hospital all afternoon, and he was playing baseball.” Was he there during the birth of the baby? “Oh yes, he waited long enough for the baby to be born, then he left ten minutes later and went to play baseball, and I was devastated then. This moment was of great importance in our lives, and I wanted us to share it together, and I wanted him to be there by my side. But Don left me to play. This husband may have sent his wife dozens of bouquets of roses, but they did not express his love to her more than his presence in the hospital next to her would have, and I can say that this experience hurt Jean greatly. The “child” is now fifteen years old, but she was talking about this matter with all her emotions as if this had happened yesterday, so I wanted to discuss the matter further so I asked her: “Have you concluded that he loves baseball more than you based on this situation alone?” She said. "Oh, no, on the day of my mother's funeral he was playing baseball too." "And did he go to the funeral?" My sisters are home with me, but my husband was playing baseball.” I then asked Don about these two events, and he knew exactly what I meant. “I knew she would bring this up,” he said. “I was there during the labor pains and when the baby was born. I took pictures of them and I was very happy, and I could not wait so I went to tell my teammates, but my happiness ended when I returned to the hospital that evening. She was angry with me, and I could not believe what she said. I thought she would be proud of me because I told the team. As for her mother’s death, she probably didn’t tell you that I took a week off from work before her mother died, and I spent that entire week in the hospital and in her mother’s house making some repairs and lending a helping hand, and after her mother died The funeral ceremony ended. I felt that I had done everything I could do, and that I needed a short break. I love baseball and I knew that it would help me relax and relieve some of the pressure that I was feeling. I thought she wanted me to take a break. I did what I wanted. "I think it was important to her, but it wasn't enough for her. She would never let me forget those two days. She says I like baseball more than her. It's so ridiculous." He was a devoted husband who failed to understand the tremendous power of presence. There is more importance to his wife than anything else. Your presence in difficult times is the greatest gift. If your partner’s primary love language in life is taking gifts, then your body in this case is the symbol of your love. If this symbol is absent, the feeling of love evaporates, during... During the counseling period, Don and Jan navigated the pain and failures of the past, and in the end Jan was able to forgive, and Don understood why his presence was important to her. Your partner's physical presence with you is very important to you, I encourage you to express this to him, do not expect him to read your mind. On the other hand, if the other party says to you, “I really want you to be by my side tonight, tomorrow, or this afternoon,” then take this matter seriously, as this may seem unimportant from the outside. Your point of view, but if you do not respond to this request, you are conveying a message that you do not intend. A husband once told me, "When my mother died, my wife's supervisor said she could leave work for a couple of hours so she could attend the funeral, but she should come back in the afternoon. My wife said she felt I needed to... “You will be by my side on this day, and she will have to be absent all day.” The supervisor said to her: “If you are absent all day, you may lose your job.” My wife said to him: “My husband is more important than my job,” and she spent the whole day with me. Somehow, that day, I felt that she loved me more than ever, and I never forgot what she did that day, and by the way, my wife did not lose her job; Her supervisor left work shortly thereafter and asked her to take his place. “This wife spoke the love language that her husband spoke, and she never forgot it. Almost everything written about love makes it clear that the spirit of giving is the heart of love; all five love languages urge us We focus on giving to our partner in life, but for some, taking gifts and visual symbols of love is the most powerful expression of love, and I heard the most powerful example of this in Chicago, where I met Jim and Janice. They attended one of my seminars on married life. They agreed to take me to O'Hara Airport after the seminar on Saturday afternoon, and we had two or three hours before the flight, and they asked me if I wanted to go to a restaurant, and I was feeling very hungry, so I agreed immediately, even though That afternoon, more than one offer of a free meal came to me. Both Jim and Janice grew up on farms in central Illinois, about a hundred miles apart, and moved to Chicago after their marriage. As I was listening to their story, fifteen years after their marriage, and after they had three children, Janice began speaking almost immediately after we sat down. “We wanted to take you to the airport so we could tell you about the miracle that happened to us,” she said. There is something about the word miracle that always makes me cling to myself, especially if I don't know the person saying it. I wondered: What strange story am I going to listen to? But I kept those thoughts to myself, gave Janice my full attention, and began to prepare for the shock. She said: "I have “God used you to perform a miracle in our married life,” and I felt a real feeling of guilt; I was wondering a minute ago about her use of the word miracle, and now she believes that I was the mediator of this miracle, and I began to listen to her more, so she went on to say: “Three years ago, we attended one of your seminars on married life for the first time, and I was desperate at that time, as I kept I complained to Jim for years that I needed his love, but he never responded to me. I loved the children and I knew they loved me, but I did not feel any love on Jim's part. In fact, I began to hate him over time. He was a regular person and did everything. In a routine way, his movements were as predictable as the movements of a clock, and no one could break his routine. For years I tried to be a good wife. I cooked, washed, ironed, cooked, washed, ironed, and so on, and I was doing all the things that I thought a good wife should do. I was having an affair. Intimacy with him! Because I knew that this was important to him, but I did not feel any love on his part, and I felt that he stopped loving me after our marriage, and that I no longer meant anything to him, and I felt used and worthless, and when “Jim” happened About my feelings, he laughed at me and said that we had a marriage that no one else had in the society in which we lived, and he could not understand why I was so unhappy, and he began to remind me that our bills were paid, that we had a nice house and a new car, and that I was free to work outside. Home or not, and that I should be happy instead of complaining all the time, and he did not even try to understand my feelings, and I felt like a complete outcast.” She said, moving her cup of tea, and leaning her body forward: “Well, anyway, we came.” Your seminar was three years ago, and we had never attended seminars on marital life before. I did not know what to expect, and frankly, I did not expect much. I did not think that anyone could change Jim. Jim did not talk much during the seminar or Afterwards, he liked it, and said that you were interesting, but he did not talk to me about any of the ideas of the symposium, and I did not expect that from him, nor did I ask for it. As I told you, I had given up at that time. As you know, the symposium ended on Saturday afternoon. Saturday night and Sunday were more beautiful than usual, and on Monday afternoon he came back from work and gave me a rose. I asked him: “Where did you get this rose from?” He said to me: “I bought it from one of the sellers standing in the street. I thought you deserved to have me bring it to you.” “A rose,” so I started crying and said to him: “Oh, that’s very nice of you, Jim.” And I think he brought the rose from the house of worship, because I saw the young man who; He was there that day, but that did not matter. The important thing was that he brought me a rose, and on Tuesday he called me from his office at approximately one-thirty, and asked me if I agreed for him to buy a pizza and bring it home. So we could have dinner together, and he told me that he thought I would enjoy the comfort of preparing dinner, so I told him: “It’s a great idea.” And he actually brought the pizza home and we had a good time together. The boys loved the pizza and thanked their father for bringing it. As for me, I hugged him and told him that I enjoyed it. A lot. When Jim came home on Wednesday, he had brought a box of candy for each of the boys, and he brought me a little potted plant, and he told me he thought the rose might wither and die; So he thought I might like to have something that would stay with me for a while. I thought I was hallucinating, and I couldn't believe what Jim was doing or why he was doing it. On Wednesday night, after dinner, he gave me a card with a message written on it about his inability to... Expressing his love for me, and his hope that the message would convey to me how much he loves me, I started screaming again, and I could not resist my desire to hug him, and he suggested to me, saying: “Why don’t we get a babysitter on Saturday night and go out to dinner alone alone?” I said to him: “This is an idea.” “Wonderful.” On Friday afternoon, he stopped by the candy store and bought each of us his favorite candy. He kept it to surprise us with, and just told us that he would bring us a gift of candy. On Saturday, I was in a spiral. I had no idea what had happened to “Jim.” Or if this was going to continue, but I was enjoying every minute of this time, and after we had dinner in the restaurant I said to him: “You must tell me what is going on, Jim.” I no longer understood and she looked at me carefully and said: “You must know, Jim.” Dr. Chapman, this man had not given me a rose since we got married, nor had he given me a card on any occasion, and he always said: “This is a waste of money; You look at the card and then throw it away. “We only went out to dinner once in five years. He never bought the kids anything. He expected me to buy only the necessities. He never brought home pizza for dinner because he was waiting for me to make him dinner.” Every night, what I mean is that this was a radical change in his behavior.” She turned to Jim and asked him: “What did you say to her in the restaurant when she asked you what was happening?” “I told her that I listened to your lecture on love languages at the symposium, and I realized that her love language is gifts, and that I had not given her a gift in many years, Rima, since we got married, and I remembered that I used to bring her flowers during the engagement period and give her small gifts.” Another, but after marriage, I thought we could not afford these expenses. I also told her that I decided to try to bring her a gift every day for a week, and see if this would make a difference for her, and I must admit that I found a big and beautiful difference in her behavior during the week. And I told her that I realized that what I said was actually true, and that learning the correct language of love is the key to making the other party feel loved, and I apologized to her because I was an idiot, ignoring her all those years, and failed to satisfy her need for love, and I told her: “I really love her, I appreciate all the things she did for me and the children, and I told her that I intend to keep giving her gifts for the rest of my life. She said to me: “But you can’t keep buying me gifts every day for the rest of your life, because you can’t save money for that.” So I said To her: “Well, maybe I won’t be able to do it every day, but at least I will do it once a week, because that will be fifty-two times more than the gifts I have been giving you every year for the past five years, and who said I would buy all the gifts? Maybe I can.” "I'll make some, or take Dr. Chapman's advice and pick a free flower from the front garden in the spring." Janice interrupted, "I don't think he's forgotten that for a week in three years. He's like a new man. You wouldn't believe how happy we've become." We live it. Our children now call us love birds. My love tank is full and overflowing.” I returned to Jim and asked him: “But what about you, Jim? Do you feel that Janice loves you?” "Oh, I've always felt that she loves me, Dr. Chapman. She's the best housekeeper in the world. She's a great cook. She washes my clothes, does my ironing, and is wonderful at taking care of the children's needs. I know she loves me." Then he smiled. He said, "Now, you know my love language, right?" Yes, and I also knew why Janice used the word miracle. Gifts do not have to be expensive, nor do they have to be given on a weekly basis. For some people, the value of a gift does not mean monetary value, but all it means is love. If the love language of a life partner is exchanging gifts: 1. Try to give a group of gifts: Leave a box of candy for your life partner in the morning (let it be candy With milk if your partner is one of those who is concerned about health), give him flowers in the afternoon (if he is not averse to flowers), give him a shirt in the evening, and when your partner in life asks: “What is happening?” So tell him: “I am just trying to fill your love tank!” 2. Let nature guide you: The next time you take a walk in the surrounding neighborhoods, be careful to look for a gift for the other party, and the gift could be a Precious stones, a stick or a flower (but be sure to ask your neighbor's permission if roses are not in your garden), and you can add special meanings to your natural gifts; For example: The smooth stone can symbolize your marriage, which made your dry places shiny, and the rose that reminds you of the beauty of your partner in life. 3. Discover the value of “original handmade things,” and make your life partner a gift like it, and this may require you to join one of the Classes that teach arts and crafts, ceramic work, silverware, drawing, wood carving, etc. The main goal when you join this class is to make a gift for your wife, as handmade gifts often become valuable and are passed down from generation to generation. 4. Give Your partner in life is a gift every day for one week, and it should not be a special week, let it be any week, but I promise you that it will become “the week that was”, and if you have the strength you can make it “the month that was”, and do not worry, your partner is in You will not be expected to behave this way for the rest of your life. 5. Keep a diary that you call a “gift ideas diary,” and every time you hear your partner say, “I really like that,” or, “Oh, I really want to have one of these things.” Write this in your notebook, listen carefully, and you will have a good list, and that notebook will serve as a guide for you when you are ready to buy the gift. In order to make him reveal what he wants, you can browse store catalogs (lists) together.6. "Help me, I'm confused!" When you don't already find the key to how to choose a gift, ask for help from one of your friends or family members who knows your husband or wife; Most friends enjoy making their friends happy by choosing gifts for them, especially if you are the one who will pay for them. 7. Offer your presence as a gift. Say to your life partner: “I want to attend with you any event or occasion that you would like to attend during this month as a gift. Just tell me the time and I will do my best to be present.” Be prepared and be positive! Who knows, maybe you will enjoy a symphony concert. Or by watching a hockey game. 8. Give your partner in life a book and agree with him that you will read it to him yourself, and suggest to him that you discuss a chapter together every week. Do not choose a book that you want to read, but rather choose a book that discusses a topic that the other party is interested in, such as: the relationship. Intimacy, football, needle work, money management, raising children, religion, safaris... 9. Pay ongoing charity, make a valuable donation to the house of worship that your partner frequents in life, or the charity he prefers on the occasion of Eid. His birthday, your wedding anniversary, or any other occasion, and ask the association to send a card to your partner in life telling him what you did, and everyone in the house of worship or the charitable association will feel happy, and your partner in life will feel the same feeling. 10. Present a living gift. Buy a tree or flower plant and plant it, and gift it to the other party. You can plant it in your own garden. Where you can water and take care of it, or plant it in a public park or in a forest; Where others can enjoy it as well, and you will receive praise for this work year after year, and if you plant an apple tree, you may live long until you eat from its fruit. Warning: Do not plant a wild apple tree. From the book The Five Love Languages